Oh ladies. How I struggled with this quote. You see, I have 3 beautiful children Now… BUT..This was such a touchy subject in my life so many years… infertility that is..
As long as I can remember I have wanted children. I never really desired a career. I mean sure, there were things I did well at, and things I fancied to do, but being a mother; a nurturer has been on my heart forever. I was wired to hold babies… I fought with infertility. I was told I couldn’t have children… I tried everything I could think of, only to lose 2 babies prior to my first born.. ..
you see, I made fertility my god. I wanted it so badly, I tasted it. I desired it more than my loving Savior. It was my idol. My reasoning was that I had obeyed God so much that I deserved to have children. I deserved to give my husband children to “carry on the family name”. I deserved to be a mother.
It wasn’t until I truly hit rock bottom in my life and laid it ~ my whole life; fertility and all~ at the feet of Jesus that I began to heal from my hurt and past life that God began to show me what I really needed. I believe God closed my womb during the time to show me nothing is more important than Him in my life. That my only god should be Him.
If you look at the quote collage I did this week. My 3 babies are in it. Can you tell which part belongs to which? It’s a little hard isn’t it? I even had to double take a few times to make sure as I was peicing it together to make sure I had each child in there. You see, there is no mistake to anyone who sees my children that they belong to me. My 3 year old is called “mini me”… my 2 yr old and 1 year old almost look like twins, and they all have have features that are similar.
God showed me through my selfish desire of motherhood that he truly is in control and that he knows what is best for us. Even this weekend, as I was “late” and thought we “were”.. It didn’t matter what “method” we used for prevention or conception… God had control of the situation… I tried to prepare myself for the idea of 4 under 4 and thinking… okay God. I see you’ve got a real sense of humor here. If you really want this for us I’m here. I won’t fight it like I used to…. (I’m not btw.. half sad and half relieved.. I still have to check my desires from time to time and make sure they are God’s will and not my own.).
I never really thought myself as selfish, but I am. I am extremely selfish. Having 3 little people who depend on me night and day has shown me just how selfish I am. How much I like this or that (I don’t like sharing my computer, or coffee, or chocolate heehee), and how much my actions affect their reactions. I want to leave a legacy for my children. But now, it is not the desire of “carrying on the family name”.. it is the legacy of Christ. It is the legacy for my children to know they will have eternal life in heaven. That they might be able to feel the joy and peace and hopefully miss some of the trials I have gone through because they are “true” believers instead of coming from the turmoil I was raised in.
Whether my next child will be born in my womb, or born in my heart(adoption), or whether our family is complete now, my desire to serve God faithfully and teach my children is what matters. Looks fade, names change, but the Lord will remain forever!